I haven't been around since last week, online at least, I've been around in real life - perhaps you managed to catch a glimpse of me spitting in tandem with the big Big Issue lady down at the Europa bus station, just passing the time till I got internet at my new place.
While I was in town I thought I'd head to Marks & Spencer to posh up my new room with a nice houseplant, don't worry lads, I've got my NVQ in "Houseplant Buying and Maintenance" from girlfriend college, so I knew exactly what I was doing before you start to sweat.
I pick out a good looking plant which comes in an attractive little pot, and now botanically satisfied, I set it gently in my basket before scooting my smug hipster 'probably listens to Belle and Sebastian and cries' arse down the aisle towards the fruit and veg section to get something relatively healthy for tea.
After a few minutes of picking up and putting down the same type of cheese I notice that over the course of the past few minutes I've caught the eye of no less than three attractive women, with smiles and everything. "What's going on here then?" the emaciated sex starved part of my brain croaks out - blinking at the light spilling in from the beaming glory of femininity that's just roused it from it's eternal slumber.
"It's nothing. Go back to sleep." I coax back, scared of getting it excited after what happened last time.
After more of this ocular flirtation occours as I pass these fantastic ladies in the aisle I finally hit upon what's happening - it's the contents of my basket that's making these classy, organic hummus easting, fresh flower buying, foreign film watching, bicycle riding, wonderful specimens of femininity all hot and bothered.
I look around and there's no other male in my age range - no competition. There's a barrage of 20-something independent, intelligent women all mulling over pertinent food questions like which type of Italian ham they should buy. I realise I've inadvertently stumbled into the hottest singles bar in Belfast. I then glance down at my basket and discover I have hit upon a Georges Marvelous Medicine style concoction of foodstuffs and homeware to make any woman fake an orgasm with you ON THE SPOT. I shall list them for you now, but please gents - do not exactly recreate this list as the ladies will catch on and our game will be up. Improvise for best results.
1. The Houseplant. A note on this - don't buy flowers, you'll look like you're in a couple, try and buy something masculine, something that looks penis-y.
2. Bottle of nice wine. I know fuck all about wine, but it's important to look like you drink it around women when really you're sat in your cold room licking the rim of a bottle of gin. Another note on this - If you need to buy wine glasses like I did, buy three of them as buying two is a no-no for obvious reasons and buying one makes you look like a hobo. Three is good because it adds mystery - "Why three?" she'll ask herself possibly arousingly.
4. Fruit and veg - makes you seem healthy and virile - anything organic can go in here too as you'll come across all 'Hugh Fearnly Whittingstall' Don't buy ready meals as you like a slob who can't cook. Don't buy ready meals even if you are getting laid though, you'll need to remortgage your house after a month.
5. Balance fruit and veg with a large Chorizo sausage.
Feel free to add your own success stories or suggestions in the comments below and apologies for ending on that Chorizo joke.