Sitting on one of the sticky benches on the platform at Central Station at 9.30pm the other night I spied a beautiful woman from the corner of my peeper (I have one good peeper, the other one is shit and thus glasses are required.) She was, as The Sun would say in a big font, a stunnah.
In an odd way I wanted her to get on the same train as me, not out of any misguided ambition on my part but rather I wanted her on my team, to hail from the same part of Northern Ireland. Or more vainly, I wanted to revel in the knowledge that I was getting on the beautiful train bound for gorgeous-ville.
But I knew already my dream would be crushed, for I'd been in this situation countless times before - y'see, due to the timetabling of trains at Central Station, the Ballymena line (me & other uggos) overlaps with the Bangor Line (The beautiful people) resulting in an often confusing mix of Lovecraftian beasts from the abyss milling around in concert with pneumatic Uma Thurman lookalikes.
You may think I'm exaggerating, but almost as if to illustrate my thoughts at that point some spide hoved his quivering bleached white bulk into view as my train pulled in and then proceeded to stand in front of the door like a sun scorched dog turd for a stupidly long time before I had to press the big 'OPEN DOOR' button for him. As I stepped into the pish-stink carriage I took one last look across the platform at the Bangor train as it pulled away in the other direction and I could have sworn I had seen their train conductor somewhere before.
Then it hit me, I recalled one bored night late last year I was stuck in a hotel in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do so I had flicked onto Model-TV and seen this bangorian conductor striding down the catwalk at Chanels Autumn/Winter 09 show. You have to admit, a similar skillset is required and it helps keep a young model keep afloat during the downtime between shows.
As a result of this I've decided to make the move to Bangor, but not before some extensive surgery first so as to avoid being burnt as a witch upon entry to their town.
I'll see you on the other side. Wish me luck.
